"...it's the hard that makes it great."

Friday was the last day of the 2010-2011 school year. If you are a teacher, or have been a teacher, you probably just gave a sigh and a big, knowing smile. If you aren't a teacher, I'll let you in on a little secret - but you must first promise not to share it with anyone between the ages of 5-18. Here it is... teachers look forward to summer break almost, if not more, than their students. Yes, it is true. And this year, I am no exception.

Those who know me well, or who read this blog often, know my school year has been a difficult one - the most challenging year I have had as a teacher.  It was an uncharacteristic group of 24 kiddos with rough home lives, disabilities, and quirks put together in one classroom... Friday afternoon I took one particular student's file to the workroom to shred. (Let me just add that this one file was a good 4 inches thick... at least.) It was so therapeutic to shred, and in a way, shred away the bad things that flooded this year...

goodbye being spit at
goodbye little teeth in my flesh
goodbye restraining children
goodbye passive aggressive parents
goodbye to the vacant stare of no remorse
goodbye chasing defiant children down the hall
goodbye vulgar and violent threats screamed throughout my room
.....

Now please don't read into this and think that there was no good in my classroom. There were precious, compliant, eager to learn children in my room too. And I am ever so thankful for their sweet, toothless smiles and caring hearts... I won't forget them. They were often times the saving grace to my sanity.

Unfortunately when I think back to this year, those sweet moments won't be the first things to come to my mind. No, it'll be all the times when I held a violent kid, stood on my carpet as my heart raced watching a sweet girl seize in and out of consciousness, sat in the urgent treatment center with bruised, broken-skin from bites thinking, "How am I supposed to go to work tomorrow and smile at this kid?!?" Yeah, those are the memories that mark this school year.

And in a twisted way... those moments are good too. Would I want it to happen again?! Absolutely not. But it's because I learned so much as a person and a teacher from those experiences that is it good.

One nugget of truth God taught me this school year is about the unlovables.
2 Things
- I am unlovable
- Since God loves the unlovable me, I can love the unlovable too

I do not bite, spit, or yell, "I'm gonna get a knife, and you're gonna go see Jesus..." to other people. But I gossip. I put work and sleep before God. I feed my body junk and don't give it all the exercise it needs. I'm selfish. And to God, (and most other people!) that is unlovable. Each day, each moment, He loves me, despite this unlovable, awful behavior. I am the apple of His eye, His precious daughter. Each day, as hard as I try, I am unlovable. I am so grateful that he loves me anyway. That he went to the cross for me, and can see past my terrible, sinful choices and care for me.

God has extended grace to an unlovable person... how can I keep that grace from others? It's easy to give grace to the child who raises her hand and waits her turn. It's easy to give grace to the parents who appreciate you teaching their child how to read. It's easy to love when you get what you expect in return. But it's real, true, godly love when you can love the unlovable - when it's so inconvenient, and seems unfair for someone to ask you to love. When you smile and say, "good morning!" and are completely ignored by an adult. That hurts! People can be offensive, annoying, and cruel. It's real love when you are kind, even when others tell you you are justified in being mean. Real love can be hard, unfair, seem impossible, and often times be hurtful. There were many times I failed this year with loving these hard kiddos. I wish I could have loved them better... been more patient, kind, and forgiving. I am still growing and learning about real, sacrificial love. Knowing that God loves me gives me hope that I can, and the desire that I should, love unlovable people.
I'm glad this school year is done. It has been a challenging one. But without challenges, often times you never learn. And the things that I've learned this year have made it very good.

"If it wasn't hard, then everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." - Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own


"We love, because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19